change my mind: cardone zone is fucking up the ozone.
the new american dream.
Grant Cardone.
Social media mogul. NYT best-selling author, speaker, entrepreneur.
Business and marketing guru.
Larger-than-life character.
The messiah who holds the secret to laying the golden egg – or even better – the buzzier, hashtagable how to “10X Your Life”.
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First Impressions.
Can someone please put “how to 10X your life” on the back of a MAGA hat where it belongs? And burn it in the apocalyptic flames that are currently spewing from our frequently-on-five-alarm-fire Mother Earth?
Greta-fucking-Thunberg is saving the world, leading her movement by BOAT as a CHILD (with a mental disability, and no that shouldn’t define her, but it does make our modern-day superhero that much more wildly impressive) and you’re in a video flaunting a private jet lifestyle, preaching to us the movement you created to make absurd amounts of money because that’s what our country demands of us to live a halfway “decent” life?!
Aren’t we all just gonna end up burning anyway? Maybe diamond caskets are forever?
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Ok, we don’t care about your opinions… what the hell is 10X?
Simply put, Cardone’s 10X philosophy can be described as “ordinary people learning how to create extraordinary lives.” What a beautiful concept. But how, you ask? By pushing for 10 times the effort in areas of your life that are anything but extraordinary. This reaches all aspects of life, starting with your work (AKA your $$$). Your work, if 10Xed, can afford you to 10X your personal life… giving you the time and resources to live the life you’ve always dreamed of.
Cardone is the ultimate 10X success story. A former addict and self-made businessman who pulled himself up by the bootstraps and single-handedly added a bunch of zeros to the new American Dream.
Cardone is in the business of selling dreams and is fierce in his beliefs. It’s like if Tony Robbins, that guy from Wolf of Wall Street (the name’s Jordan Belfort), and your cryptocurrency investment had a baby, with Whitney Cummings as the surrogate.
He’s a straight-shootin’, fast talker and his millions of loyal disciples hang on his every word. Who could blame them? Cardone’s confidence and no-nonsense attitude are intriguing, to say the least, and even for his most skeptical audience, infuriatingly intoxicating.
If I had Cardone confidence, let’s just say that I would have gotten a lot more free drinks in my 20s/would be enjoying life in the literal castle in Central Park (but seriously, will that place ever be available for private, residential sale? Asking for a friend…). I would have been the Anna Delvey of my time (you know, that fake heiress who conned NYC’s glitterati into paying her way into luxury). Ah, thank you Anna… you changed the game. It’s no longer only “big dick confidence”. No, your confidence rewrote history. Or maybe it was a mental disorder. Either way, you will go down as one of the all-time greats. An NYC legend. A notorious beacon of hope, shining a ray of crystal light on the possibilities of this grand thing we call life.
Now, please get your rich friends to help you pay for therapy.
Anyway, the bottom line is, who wouldn’t want to be a multi-millionaire/billionaire/at least afford a damn trip to Mars?! After all, it’s 2021, and if you’re not making $$$ in the vast currency abyss, where EVEN ARE YOU bro?!
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Back to Cardone.
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Cardone believes in two equations: Money = Freedom. Freedom = Time. For important things like family and helping others. While his unabashed display of wealth attracts very strong opinions on either side of the Cardone fascination, he welcomes the haters. Oh, and don’t you worry, he won’t even be able to see all those haters from the heights of his private jet, one of his favorite investments.
Gotta give it to the man, he knows how to promote.
10X is not only a movement, it’s a Cardone family empire. His wife Elena has her own kingdom and even their two little girls are in on the family business. Should children this young be so aware of money? Questionable. At best.
Elena made 10X a gender-specific lifestyle with “10X Ladies” (yes, of course, gender can be monetized – check your body wash). Spreading the gospel in efforts to, well, corner the entire market.
First, may I point out here that the term “ladies” is pretty damn presumptuous. I reserve the term “lady” for women who enjoy high tea and don’t stray from their husbands. The type of woman who knows better than to join the money-hungry Cardone cult. Oh Gawd, are we “Keeping up with the Cardones” now too? Ryan, I hear the sweet, sweet sound of a new franchise. Excuse me, a new royal family.
Elena’s business prowess is undeniable and her beauty has morphed into the Real Housewives fembot even-the-worms-won’t-get-past-the-silicone mummification phase (she’s still smokin’ hot though and honestly, eh I can’t hate on botox, it might be in my face faster than you can say F-my-11s). As if success is a totally different experience for a woman, and therefore needs its own category.... #HowToUpsellYourGender #ButWomenStillAreLessThan10PercentOfCEOsSoDoWhateverElenaMaybeWeNeedHelpSOS
Don’t you love a made-up hashtag that takes up an entire line of text? Mmm… so unnecessary.
But so is that statistic.
Also, I know we’re not supposed to talk about the way women look. I’m a woman and trust me, I get it. It’s hard out there and yes, beauty is everywhere in all forms and the media does us such a disservice and it’s ridiculous already. Yes! All of that and more. But I think it’s worth noting that studies show Botox messes with a baby’s developmental ability because they won’t be as familiar with reading expressions on their mother’s faces (or father's, but yes mostly mother's, have you witnessed the effect of cultural beauty standards!?)... because their parent’s face can’t moveeee! So, our frozen faces are literally hurting the development of our children and their emotional capacity. Just some food for thought as you’re freezing your eggs while singing “It’s A Man’s World” and trying not to cry as your savings dissipate faster than your hope of ever finding a partner worthy of your time, let alone your sedan-priced cryo-frozen eggs paid for by your income that has been ravaged by the wage gap.
*Deep breaths*
Ok, so if you couldn’t tell already, the moment this douche opened his mouth, I wanted to punch him in the face. But, he does have enough money to buy everyone I know and keep us all as his personal concubines so I decided to actually try to listen to what he had to say… even if the sound of his voice was muffled by his overly-gelled hair tips cracking, fracturing my hope like the only icebergs we have left.
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A piece of evidence.
Welp, let's just say I need to trust my gut. Getting older means a more finely-tuned intuition. And let’s face it, someone with the intuition of your kid’s flush-fated goldfish could have figured this one out…
A Youtube video titled: “Why Working Remote will Fail America”.
The thumbnail: Cardone stands in front of a graphic of the American flag in a blue suit with a 10X pin on the lapel, wearing his classic smug expression behind a title card reading “RIP America”.
The description of this video, for your enjoyment:
Dr. Fauci is a fraud. Wake up people. If you don’t STOP staying at home, your economy will be ruined. Stop obsessing over a virus, people die every day of heart disease, cancer, auto accidents, and drug overdoses. Sorry, life has risk! You can’t shutter at home, wearing a filthy, stupid mask and “stay safe”. You are at RISK staying home. Wake up people, get back to work or America is going to die!
Want to spend 3 days with me and my team learning the best business and marketing strategies?
Ok, so first, Cardone deserves a round of applause. Brilliant CTA placement. In true Cardone fashion, he never misses the opportunity to promote, even in the midst of the sea of fear and heartache and destruction that is a worldwide pandemic. Props, dude. Keepin’ that brand message 100.
In this video, Cardone’s rant blatantly chooses the importance of making money over keeping his fellow Americans safe. A blue-blooded, family-first, patriot of a man who knows money. If that ain’t American, I don’t know what is.
We need help.
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The verdict. The American Dream is… still alive?
Personal politics aside (even though can they ever truly be put aside?), I do respect that Cardone is a self-made man. And seems like a hands-on Dad who is the best he can be for his two young girls. Cardone’s overcome a lot and made a shit ton of money doing so, creating security for himself and his family. And some of the ways he talks about money do make sense to me, including how important it is to save… and if you want to really save, ya gotta make the money in the first place. Also, he apparently does sometimes use his money for good in helping people and donating to organizations other than the fund for the Cardone family estate in Mars (which they would rent, because Cardone doesn’t believe in buying and I’m sure that belief doesn’t change with a dual-planet passport).
Do I think we would share many of the same opinions in general? Absolutely not. Would I enjoy having a diamond-encrusted Guinness with him and his wife on their private jet… probably. If I was a few drinks in, would I maybe volunteer my services as a unicorn in their Mile High Club? Most likely. They seem like a good hang and their bodies have been 10Xed to the point of surviving the apocalypse, then ending up starring in the comic book the aliens create about the one chosen perfect specimen of a human couple left to create the new and improved human race and… 10X the universe!
And I’ve always wanted to have sex on a bed of money.
Ah, the beauty of realizing your own, shiny American Dream. All thanks to you, Mr. Grant Cardone.
Call me.
xoxo​​​